I am at a loss of things to say. As much as I want to be able to post cute outfits, DIY projects, and fun moments from my life all the time, it's been hard lately as I have been feeling the weight of anxiousness on my chest. Describing anxiety seems like a daunting task for me; I had a hard time describing it to my doctors and psychiatrists, even. The problem with anxiety is, at least for me, no matter how productive you want to be or how happy you want to feel, you just feel like you can't do anything. Like, anything you think about doing seems too overwhelming.
You feel you're chest getting tighter, you're throat closing ever so slightly as to where you feel like anything could push you over the edge to tears. For some reason, I imagine it like a little ball of fear and sadness, stuck between my throat and my chest. Growing larger the more I think about it and ready to burst at any moment. If only I could reach through my mouth and grab it, just so I didn't have to feel it anymore. Replace it with waves of calm and content. If only.
I realize that this sounds weird. It sounds weird to me, at least. I always seem to view my emotions as physical objects, that I could simply pick one up out of my brain and take it out, and maybe replace it with another. I know that's obviously not how things work, but it's a nice thought, at least to me.
Have any of you dealt with chronic anxiety? I would love to hear about it, if you would like to share.
Yep. It sucks. And I think that for me, it really comes from my laziness/cowardice, and the guilt I feel afterwards.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's just like knowing everything that I want out of my life and knowing that I have complete control, but still feeling out of touch with everything. Like as much as I could and should just get up and be productive and do things that I know will make me happy, I for some reason get in my own way and sit in my own misery. Because, like you said, it is very overwhelming! There's just so much to do and I never know where to start.
So I'll get really anxious about nothing happening, and then anxious about time being wasted. And anxious that it's my own fault and anxious for the day when I'll be brave enough to start trying and for things to start getting better.
But when I'm feeling optimistic, I think of it this way: I know it's not an on-off switch and that things aren't going to just be better overnight. And I know that when I procrastinate, it's my own fault. But I'm trying not to get mad at myself, because that just makes me anxious. I try to just say, "Okay. I shouldn't have done that. But tomorrow's on its way, and I'll do better." That way I'm not beating myself up about the past and feeling so anxious about everything.
Sorry about that hurricane of words, right there. haha, I don't even know if it'll make sense!
Things'll get better, Brooke. You're such a strong and beautiful person. You've taken such control of your life. And I know sometimes you feel powerless, but you're not and you're on your way! The tough stuff isn't over, but you're doing so much better than you were a year ago. I'm so proud of everything you are and everything you've accomplished despite how I know your brain makes you feel sometimes. You are simply amazing. Love you. :]
I suffer from depression and social anxiety. I know what it is like. I want to achieve so much in my life, however, I haven´t even been able to work and earn money. It handicaps me so much! Xo
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