You're In Brookelynn: The Past Year

The Past Year

The past year of my life (2011) has been the hardest hear of my life. As you may (or may not) know, I was diagnosed with depression in my senior year of high school, which was about a year ago. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor that day, sitting in the waiting room barely able to control my breathing and I was shaking uncontrollably. I remember being distraught after leaving the office with a prescription for Prozac, being told that they would take about 2 months to have any effect, and  I couldn't comprehend feeling like I did for any longer.

I started isolating myself from my friends. Basically from everyone other than my boyfriend, Skylar. Because I knew I wouldn't have to put on a fake face around him and act like everything was okay. I was (still am) extremely insecure. About everything. My body, my skin, my personality. I couldn't possibly think of why anyone would want to be around me, when I didn't even like myself.

I thought about suicide. I knew I wouldn't actually go through with it, but I just thought about how easy it would be, how nice it would be to be disconnected from all of my negative thoughts. When I was feeling especially down, I would always think about how all I wanted to do was rip my brain out of my head and throw it across the room. That way I wouldn't have to think about anything anymore; I wouldn't have the constant pressure of my thoughts weighing my head down.

I could go on and on. But the basic message I wanted to communicate here, is that it gets better. Gradually, I started being able to control my emotions. Every day it became easier to get out of bed in the morning. Eventually, my days of sadness started becoming fewer and more spread out. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still struggling, I think I will for the rest of my life. I just feel proud that I didn't let it completely consume me, and that I am allowing myself to try and make myself happier.

It may have taken the course of a year, but I think I finally have beat depression. I won't let it define me any longer.

1 comment:

  1. I am happy to read of someone who beat depression. I am astruggling for several years now and I have been taking Citalopram for almost three years. They keep be stable and I am currently trying to reduce my dose to finally stop taking it in a few weeks. I am a bit scared as I cut myself in the past and had suicidal thoughts. However, I have an amazing man on my hands who makes me happy and get through the day with me!
    Depression is hard work that not many people understand!
    Best wishes