125 things that make me happy

1. Flowers
2. Old movies
3. Looking at old baby pictures
4. Smells that remind you of your childhood
5. A good cuddle
6. Goodnight kisses (even if it's from your dog)
7. A hot shower after a long day
8. A great book
9. Rain
10. The first signs of the leaves changing color
11. Stretching when you first wake up
12. Clothes right out of the dryer
13. Eating out with family
14. Knowing there's someone there for you always, even if it's just your mom. Some people don't even have that.
15. Laughing until you're laugh turns silent
16. Cappuccino
17. Strawberries
18. The smell of freshly cut grass in the summer
19. Big windows
20. The first snowfall
21. A candle-lit room
22. Waking up on your birthday
23. Feeling creative
24. Cold water on a hot day
25. Loving the outfit you put together
26. Your hair just after it's been dyed
27. Felt-tip pens
28. Scented candles
29. Playing 'guess the song' with my dad and brother
30. Being naked
31. Performing on stage
32. Rain on a car window
33. Road trips
34. Strawberries (I accidentally wrote this twice...that's how much I love strawberries :))
35. Being barefoot
36. Seeing the sunset while you drive home
37. New shoes
38. Warm socks
39. Putting your hair up at the end of the day
40. Stargazing
41. Slow dancing to no music
42. Smooth legs
43. Venting to friends
44. Eating cake mix before you bake the cake
45. Your mom cooking you food
46. A full tank of gas
47. Talking on the phone until you're too tired to keep your eyes open
48. Getting tucked in by someone you love
49. Smiley faces :)
50. Friendship bracelets
51. Crawling back into your bed after going to the bathroom in the morning
52. Cheesy garlic biscuits from Red Lobster
53. Waking up at noon
54. Scarves
55. Pumpkin patches
56. Apple cider doughnuts
57. Visiting the city
58. Leaves budding after winter
59. Thanksgiving
60. Parades
61. Christmas morning
62. Listening to your favorite music
63. Driving aimlessly
64. Riding your bike on a sunny day
65. Looking back on your old wishes and goals to find out that some of them came true
66. Curly hair
67. Flip flops
68. Inspirational quotes
69. Cute babies
70. The smell of your dad's aftershave
71. Sports bras
72. Taking a bath
73. Being walked to your door
74. Someone being excited to see you
75. Finding old notes you wrote
76. Finding old clothes that still fit
77. Thrift stores
78. Combing out wet hair
79. Sweat pants
80. Wishing on a star
81. Lazy days
82. Marathons of your favorite show
83. Feeling happy with your body!
84. The first warm day after winter
85. Having parents who love you
86. The christmas season
87. Cats
88. Love notes
89. Having a place to call home
90. Photos on film
91. Eating a meal and reading the newspaper
92. Finding/making the perfect gift for someone
93. Getting flowers
94. Wishing on 11:11
95. Not being sick
96. Feeling inspired
97. Blank books waiting to be filled
98. Watercolors
99. Lists
100. Pretty jewelry
101. Dancing
102. Singing in the car by yourself
103. Sweets
104. Nutella
105. Vintage dresses
106. Finding something that you love on sale
107. Anniversaries
108. Getting something in the mail
109. Cozy, rainy days when you have no plans
110. Sleepovers
111. Dogs
112. Watching a movie you know all the dialogue to
113. Summer break
114. Wearing pajamas all day long
115. Pretty nailpolish
116. Nice strangers
117. Sweaters
118. When you get to eat something you've been craving
119. When you write something in really nice handwriting
120. Lockets
121. Foot massages
122. Taking notes with a nice pen
123. Bread and butter
124. Good morning calls/texts
125. Good night calls/texts

 

I made a "happiness journal" after being diagnosed with depression, these are the things that I have written so far. Sometimes you have to remember the good things to put the rest in perspective.

19 Before 20: Halfway there!

 

So I just realized that my half birthday is coming up within the next week (my birthday is in July), so I thought I would revisit my 19 before 20 list and see how I've been doing! I definitely have to say that life got in the way of a lot of these, and yeah I know that is a pretty shitty excuse. Well anyways, here's how I've been doing :)

1. Get a tattoo:  Not yet, but I am dyyyyying to get one. I've got the tattoo fever! The only reason that I haven't yet is simply due to my lack of funds, but I've been saving lately so maybe within the next few months or so :)
2. Make more friends: Well, I've been working on it! I've been trying to do more things that ordinarily scare me, like go to friend's parties and talk to more people in my classes. I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm taking steps in the right direction.
3. Start a vintage resale business: This is something that just didn't work out, and I don't think it will for another few years. Being a college student with two jobs, I can hardly even run this blog!
4. Blog more often: And on that note, I think I've been blogging more? I feel a lot more confident in my posts and content, and I've even been planning in advance!
5. Start cooking more: Well, this one hasn't been too great. I will admit, I freakin hate cooking. I love food, but hate to make it, haha. Maybe I'll work on baking more!
6. Get my GPA above 3.5: So close! After last semester, I'm at a 3.4 right now. Hopefully after this semester I can get that up!
7. Take more pictures: Sadly, I have been lacking in this department. I seriously need to step up my picture taking game!
8. Ride my bike more: I've been lacking in this one too. I think I only rode my new bike once during the fall. I'm hoping when it gets nicer out I will be motivated to take it for a spin!
9. Be better with my finances: This was also one of my main new years resolutions, and in the past month I think I've been a lot better! I'm saving way more, and trying not to impulsively spend as much. I'm trying to save for a road trip to california this summer so I hope I can do it!
10. Get more involved at NIU: I think I'm doing pretty well at this one! I have two jobs on campus, and just auditioned for the NIU dance show (I didn't get in...haha oh well.) And I'm going to start going to the gym's fitness classes!
11. Read more books: Just recently I've started reading more. I'm currently reading a book called Breathe (it's kind of a teen read), and I've been really into it. 
12. Do another musical: Well, I did audition and get into a local production of Jesus Christ Superstar, but my work schedule didn't work out at all with the rehearsal schedule, so I had to drop out. I'm not too upset about this, though.
13. Stop worrying: Well, this is going to be a life-long process. I'm trying to work on my breathing!
14. Find a job I love: Kind of! I love working at my different places on campus!
15. Take more chances: I think I'm doing pretty good with this one! The fact that I even auditioned for that dance show (where most of the people who were auditioning were dance majors) was pretty scary. It was actually a lot of fun though, even though I didn't make it in!
16. Stretch more & become more flexible: I haven't really been proactively doing this, but since I decided to take another ballet class this semester, it's kind of coming along!
17. Try to be nicer to everyone: Working on it!
18. Stay inspired: It's been hard lately, since I've had a slight case of the winter blues. I guess I just need to work harder at finding inspiration everywhere!
19. Live in the moment: I'm trying so hard at this one! I think I've been doing pretty well.

I think i've been doing pretty good! Making this post has helped remind me of these goals so I may start working harder on them!

Happy Monday!

♥Brooke

Bored.

Source Unknown

Ain't that the truth. I've been looking on pintrest for some new mantras I want to focus on in 2013 (but it's never too early to start, right?) and this one is so relevant to me. You can ask Skylar, I'll call him wining that "I'm sooooo booooored" and he'll be like "well what are you doing?" and I'll say "uh...looking at tumblr." I mean, duh, tumblr is awesome, but there are so many other, more fulfilling things that I could be doing. I could paint. I could clean something. I could learn something new (like knitting! I will learn some day...maybe). I could go for a walk, call an old friend, write one of the many scholarship essays I should be working on. It's hard when you get stuck in the "bored" rut. I am going to try to break out of it :)

I don't have anything planned today, except seeing my lovely friend Lizzie and going to work after that. Maybe I will try to do something productive? We can only hope.

Experience

“Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.”

—

Alan Keightley

This is something that I have been trying to apply to my life for a while (in regards to the above quote, that is). I am extremely self-conscious, and have anxiety about everything, so this is hard for me to grasp. Even today at our northern star photo meeting my editor said I looked stressed and made me do jumping jacks in front of everyone (If you're introverted like I am, you should be able to tell how embarrassed I was, haha.) Anyways, it's really hard to accept the fact that you can live your life any way that you want when there seems like so many things that need to be done, and that can seemingly only be done in a certain way: Hold shitty jobs so you can make your way through college, make friends while also working hard on your assignments, go out and party to live the college lifestyle...and I don't know if I exactly fit this normal college kid mold.

And the thing is, I don't know if I want to. I will be the first to admit, I am not much of a party person at all.  I don't like to drink (I just hate the taste of alcohol), and I tend to be pretty socially awkward around people I don't know (I should probably go to counseling or something, but that's for another blog post, haha.) This doesn't help the fact that Skylar's band plays at house parties every few weeks, and I always like to go to their shows, so I tag along to the party, thinking that I may get over my anxieties. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I don't know.

Sorry about this rant. I am just so stressed out and kind of pouring out random thoughts incoherently. You have no idea how ready I am for winter break. I just have to get through these last two weeks of work, photo assignments, and homework, and get through finals week, and I will be free! If you guys have any good ways of dealing with stress and anxiety, please let me know, I am in need of some!

 Well in other news, I cut my hair again (because I was starting to look like art Garfunkel/an 80s soccer mom) and now I have arrived back to my natural hair color! It's kind of crazy, because I've been dying my hair for so long, I don't think I've had my natural color since I was a freshman in high school (over 5 years ago!) This is actually the first time Skylar has even seen what my hair color looks like for real. Crazy!

Okay, I'm done rambling now. But seriously, if you have any special ways of calming your anxiety, I would love to hear them. Well, I am off to attempt to work on some homework and organize my schedule for the next few weeks.

Hope you all had a happy hump day :)

Words

The lovely Julie from Orchid Grey posted this illustration on her blog recently, and I was so inspired by it that I felt like I had to share.



Well, I have my last day of classes today and then I'm heading home for a busy thanksgiving weekend! You will be hearing more from me soon, I promise. I've had so many papers and tests this past week it's been crazy! Well anyways, hope you have a lovely tuesday :)

Anticipation

Going back to school has always equaled fall for me. Changing leaves, football games, crisp winds and scarves. And it has occured to me that it technically isn't fall yet. Mostly because it's 90 flippin degrees out. But a part of me likes to believe that it's not, and that it's not actually that hot out, and that i should be okay if I wear a cardigan and jeans tucked into boots, even though it's totally not and I end up at my destination smelly and sweating.

I'm ready for fall. The world needs to catch up with me.

Finally

After over a year of being sad and unsure about everything, I am finally starting to feel happy again. It's such a strange feeling. Everything just seems to feel right. And you know why that is? Because I've stopped caring about other people's reactions to my decisions. I have started doing things for my own happiness, and if other people think it's odd or stupid or anything else, I just don't care. And it's so freeing.

That, and I have finally found things I enjoy. I am so happy that I signed up for my Ballet I class, even though it was such late notice. I forgot how much I loved dancing. And I go to the studio, and it feels bright and welcoming, like I finally found where I belong. I never got that feeling from the Art Building when I started off as an art major. I guess I choose a lot of things based on my gut.

I'm sorry this is such a weird sappy post. I guess it's just been a long time since everything started falling into place like this. I just got a great job at the Convocation Center, setting up and taking down event equipment, and I have an interview with Ross tomorrow. It's honestly just like everything started going right all at the same time, haha. Knock on wood.

Couldn't find the source, sorry :(

Hope you have a lovely rest of your week :)

Anxiety.

I am at a loss of things to say. As much as I want to be able to post cute outfits, DIY projects, and fun moments from my life all the time, it's been hard lately as I have been feeling the weight of anxiousness on my chest. Describing anxiety seems like a daunting task for me; I had a hard time describing it to my doctors and psychiatrists, even. The problem with anxiety is, at least for me, no matter how productive you want to be or how happy you want to feel, you just feel like you can't do anything. Like, anything you think about doing seems too overwhelming.

You feel you're chest getting tighter, you're throat closing ever so slightly as to where you feel like anything could push you over the edge to tears. For some reason, I imagine it like a little ball of fear and sadness, stuck between my throat and my chest. Growing larger the more I think about it and ready to burst at any moment. If only I could reach through my mouth and grab it, just so I didn't have to feel it anymore. Replace it with waves of calm and content. If only.

I realize that this sounds weird. It sounds weird to me, at least. I always seem to view my emotions as physical objects, that I could simply pick one up out of my brain and take it out, and maybe replace it with another. I know that's obviously not how things work, but it's a nice thought, at least to me.

Have any of you dealt with chronic anxiety? I would love to hear about it, if you would like to share.

Sorry...

 I know I've been kind of MIA lately, but things have been weird lately. I'm in the process of leaving my job for various reasons which I am choosing not to discuss here, and I've been stressed to the max lately. Every time I get home from work I just flop on the couch and want to relax and nap, turn my brain off for a while and just veg out. But since I will be leaving my job at the end of the month, hopefully you will be seeing more of me around here.

I have lots of projects and ideas floating around in my head to share in the very near future! I had somewhat of an epiphany last week. To sum it up, I basically realized that life is too short to be doing things that don't make you happy. I have a dream and I am going to start trying to achieve it. And while it might seem far-fetched to even myself right now, I know that I can achieve it because I know it will make me happy. It's definitely going to be a hard few weeks to come due to me transitioning out of my current job, but I know it will be worth it when it's all done. 

The Past Year

The past year of my life (2011) has been the hardest hear of my life. As you may (or may not) know, I was diagnosed with depression in my senior year of high school, which was about a year ago. I remember my mom taking me to the doctor that day, sitting in the waiting room barely able to control my breathing and I was shaking uncontrollably. I remember being distraught after leaving the office with a prescription for Prozac, being told that they would take about 2 months to have any effect, and  I couldn't comprehend feeling like I did for any longer.

I started isolating myself from my friends. Basically from everyone other than my boyfriend, Skylar. Because I knew I wouldn't have to put on a fake face around him and act like everything was okay. I was (still am) extremely insecure. About everything. My body, my skin, my personality. I couldn't possibly think of why anyone would want to be around me, when I didn't even like myself.

I thought about suicide. I knew I wouldn't actually go through with it, but I just thought about how easy it would be, how nice it would be to be disconnected from all of my negative thoughts. When I was feeling especially down, I would always think about how all I wanted to do was rip my brain out of my head and throw it across the room. That way I wouldn't have to think about anything anymore; I wouldn't have the constant pressure of my thoughts weighing my head down.

I could go on and on. But the basic message I wanted to communicate here, is that it gets better. Gradually, I started being able to control my emotions. Every day it became easier to get out of bed in the morning. Eventually, my days of sadness started becoming fewer and more spread out. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still struggling, I think I will for the rest of my life. I just feel proud that I didn't let it completely consume me, and that I am allowing myself to try and make myself happier.

It may have taken the course of a year, but I think I finally have beat depression. I won't let it define me any longer.